Looking Back

 

It’s been about 4.5 years since I had my last drink and while it has gotten much easier, there are still things that I cannot answer. I sometimes still wonder how the hell I even got to a place where I had to fight to quit drinking, or lose everything. I had a great childhood, had a great family and had awesome friends who I can still count on to this day. But still, I often look back and go over in my head how my life used to be.

 

A basic overview of what goes on when I look back-

 

I would blame everyone for my problems. I would get angry. Drink more. Be inappropriate and hurt others for no good reason. Act like a big shot even though inside I was a small man. Hate myself. Loath my entire being. Punch myself in the face when no one’s looking. Call myself every name in the book. Spit at my reflection. Drink more. Swirl down the sink of self-hatred and piss poor judgement from drinking. Fight with my wife. A lot. Zone out. Check out emotionally. Start blacking out. Increase selfishness. Have a child. Swear I will never drink again. Then swear I won’t drink in front of him. Then swear I won’t drink a lot in front of him. Start drinking daily. Drink bottles of vodka straight. Hide everything. Have people remove themselves from my presence. Gobble breath mints and swish around Listerine on the reg. Sense that the bottom is falling out but not being able to stop the train. Drink more. Lie to everyone. Pass out. Get angry. A lot.

 

That turned into what I have been able to learn-

 

Learn to love. Learn to like myself. Learn that all my troubles are of my own making. Make amends. Heal wounds. Gain trust of my wife. Hug my son as much as I can. Stay grateful. Learn to live life again without alcohol. Write a lot. Start a blog. Have a beautiful daughter who has never even been alive during the times I drank. Smile a lot. Exercise (biking counts). Help others. Let others help you. Be a kind citizen of the world.

 

Most days are better than others and some days are still shitty, but never has shitty as they were 4.5 years ago. I used to cry because I was in pain but now if I ever get emotional it’s because I know that I am blessed and that shit could have gone sideways so easily and that I was only one car ride away from killing someone. I know there are so many people who haven’t gotten to where I am. Some die out there praying for a tiny glimpse of what I have right now and for that I am grateful. I know I am blessed, I am where I need to be, I am loved and I do my best to love back with everything I have.