Expressing Myself

It isn’t new to me that even though I have been able to share my deepest thoughts in writing, I still have trouble expressing myself in my personal life. I have trouble expressing my emotions and I know that. I’m an alcoholic in recovery. I drank heavily and dysfunctionally for around 15 years. The day after my last drink I made two big decisions. One, that I was never going to touch alcohol ever again, and two, that I would be honest. The honest part is because I spent so many years lying to myself and other people. Honesty is tough though because even though I may not lie anymore, I still don’t know how to express certain things to the people closest to me. Sure I can say “I love you” or “thank you” but is that just going through the motions? When you are in a relationship where your spouse says everything that is on their mind and you keep most of your thoughts to yourself, it becomes very difficult to mesh. One thing that I do know is that writing has helped me express certain feelings that would have been otherwise bottled up.

 

I know AA works for many people and I admit that I probably haven’t given it the chance that I should, but for me, writing has been my biggest sobriety tool. Getting my darkest drinking secrets and most twisted addictive thoughts out of my brain and onto the screen has felt incredibly powerful. I don’t ever want to turn back into the numb, boozy, asshat that I once was, so I write and write and write to stop my brain leading me back down into a bottle of booze.

 

Writing about my recovery not only helps me to become a happy sober person, it seems to help other people too. My blogs have had almost 12,000 hits and there are literally thousands of people just like me. People who struggle to control the drug of alcohol, surfing the Internet maybe hoping to read a sober blog that relates to them.

 

Writing out my thoughts and feelings has been a very effective way to deal with stuff. It helps in clarifying and picking at previously confused and twisted thoughts. Sharing my words online has taken my healing to where it needs to be and the Internet connects us with others who are fighting the exact same battle. Feeling heard and understood and not alone in your struggle with booze is a feeling I can hardly describe

 

If I happened to be in any way musical, I most likely would have some #1 hits floating across the airwaves, but sadly I can’t play a lick of music and my voice is mediocre at best. So instead of producing platinum records, I will write. I am a shy person and I know for some people that is really hard to believe. Part of the reason I started drinking was to fit in and be more sociable because I was not good or comfortable with putting myself out there. Yes, there are situations where I am more comfortable in my own skin but when it comes down to it. I am still the shy kid who made his sister go get change from the concession stand or just wouldn’t get his snack or candy, only because he didn’t want to talk to a stranger.