Just to Clarify

For those that read my last entry, I just want to clarify that I am not suicidal. My intention was not to put fear in the hearts of any of my loved ones, but to make it known that people have the ability to mask their emotions and can be hurting without anyone knowing. My intention was to let people know that you're not alone. I assume (which I know I shouldn’t do) many of us have had suicidal thoughts at some point in our lives. It is my opinion that feeling suicidal is not a character defect, and it doesn't mean that you are crazy, or weak, or flawed. It only means that you have more pain than you can cope with, a pain that may seem overwhelming and permanent at a certain moment. I have learned that under the influence of alcohol, suicidal thoughts that I had would become even stronger and I know now that hopelessness and suicidal thoughts are not a good mix with booze. Most people who are suicidal are also depressed. I was depressed, because I had lost control over my life situation and of my emotions. I had lost a positive sense of my future and the meaning of my life in which I was living.


I can imagine that there are many kinds of emotional pains that can lead to thoughts of suicide. Each reason being unique to each one of us, and our ability to cope with the pain differs from person to person. I was always scared to say anything about my depression or my thoughts, in fear of people saying, "That's not enough to be suicidal about." Well that statement would be a bunch of horseshit!! We are all different. What might be bearable to one person may not be bearable to you and in my opinion, the risk of suicide is just too severe to dismiss. I came to a point where fear, shame, or embarrassment didn’t matter anymore. For me, just talking (writing) about how I got to this point in my life releases a lot of the pressure that has built up over time and has been a way for me to cope. I write about my battles with alcohol, which is much more than just about drinking. Being an alcoholic is a mental, physical, emotional struggle with all sorts of variables and having suicidal thoughts is just one of them for me.


Suicidal intentions are prompted by a desperate need for relief from intensely painful feelings. Surviving suicidal thoughts for me, was about learning how to find relief without resorting to suicide. Whatever thoughts I was having, and however bad I was feeling, I had to always remember that I have not always felt this way, and that I will not always feel this way. Between my family, my friends, my church and my sports. I have found peace in the things that I love, I do not cling onto my troubled past and I fight the good fight of faith by never giving up!